


The Thing About Forever

by chaosdisaster



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Mostly fluff though, Mutual Pining, and i can assure you that i have not done it better than any of them, basically neil doesnt die, but here we are, softe boyes, there are like 20 people who have written this same exact fic already
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 08:26:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19390309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaosdisaster/pseuds/chaosdisaster
Summary: Todd is back at Welton for the night, and all he knows is that Neil isn’t there.Todd can’t sleep. And he’s in love.aka au where Neil doesn’t die (takes place after the play)





	The Thing About Forever

**Author's Note:**

> I haven’t written anything in forever I hope this isn’t bad

Todd couldn’t sleep. 

He laid awake in his bed, an impending sense of doom clouding his thoughts, unable to shake the feeling that something terrible was going to happen. 

He had watched Neil get forcefully dragged away by his father only a few hours ago, right before Todd got the chance to congratulate him, and the expression in his friend’s eyes was something that closely resembled fear. 

_Fear_ was something unfamiliar to the great Neil Perry, a boy so confident and bold that he never had to think twice about anything. When he was on the stage, performing his heart out, it was like he was born to be there, everything coming so naturally to him. But as great of an actor as he was, he couldn’t hide the look of pain and uncertainty and _fear_ that flickered across his face as he locked eyes with Todd through the car window. 

So Todd couldn’t sleep. 

His thoughts were ridden with the fact that he could have done something. He could have saved Neil from... whatever was inevitably going to happen. But Todd did nothing. 

If Todd was in this same situation, _Neil_ would have done something. He would have fought for Todd. But Todd? Todd did nothing, and he hated himself for it. This was Neil Perry, his best friend and the _love of his life_ , the boy who meant more than the whole world to him. 

•••

Todd wasn’t sure when he had fallen in love with Neil. Maybe it was the night that Knox called Chris, and Neil had his arm around Todd, and he had just _smiled_ at him, in the way that Todd realized was only ever reserved for him, like he was Neil’s whole world. Or maybe the morning they had rehearsed Neil’s lines out on the dock, shouting until they had almost lost their voices, or when Neil had relentlessly pushed Todd until he finally convinced him to come to the very first meeting of the Dead Poets Society. Or maybe it was always there, maybe he had always loved Neil, from the very start. 

Whatever the case was, there was one thing he knew for sure- that he was hopelessly in love with Neil Perry, and there was nothing he could do about it. Because if the wrong person found out, he would surely be expelled. Or (possibly even worse) what if Neil found out, and never talked to him again? Neil, if nothing else, was his closest friend, and Todd couldn’t bear the thought of losing him like that. Or alternatively, did Neil already know? Had he already figured out Todd’s feelings for him, and simply kept quiet because he pitied Todd and didn’t want to hurt him? 

Todd was sure, unfortunately, that his actions toward Neil were not subtle, and he wouldn’t be surprised if Neil already knew. He often caught himself, lost in thought, staring at him during class. Charlie had given him a look, once or twice, as if to say that he knew- that he had figured Todd out. But if he did know anything, he kept quiet about it, much to Todd’s relief. 

But then there were times when Todd would look at Neil, and Neil would look back at him, and he allowed himself, for just a moment, to imagine that Neil felt the same way. But he never let himself become too hopeful, because he knew that would be dangerous. 

So he kept it all of his feelings in, simply resorting to suffering in silence. 

At a certain point, Todd realized he had become okay with his sad reality, because if even if he was stuck being strictly close friends- nothing more- with Neil, it still meant that he got to be close to him. It meant staying up with him as they poured their hearts out to each other into the early hours of the morning, or listening, with awe, to Neil as he read his lines over and over again, somehow becoming better at it each time, or giving in to Neil’s relentless begging as Todd finally shared his poems (which Neil somehow always thought were perfect) with him. Without realizing, they had gradually fallen into a comfortable rhythm of simply existing alongside one another, and Todd had no idea how he had done it before- how he had lived without Neil. 

But maybe that was it. Maybe he hadn’t. Maybe his heart had always been waiting for Neil, waiting for the moment when he could truly be alive, and he just hadn’t known it. 

•••

But now, the future was no longer certain. Neil was not in the bed next to his, but rather off somewhere else, being forced back into a reality unknown to Todd. 

So Todd started to cry. He wasn’t exactly sure why, but tears began to build up in his eyes, and he initially attempted to will them away, because damn it, couldn’t he just be brave for once? But, as expected, it didn’t work, so he let himself cry, just laying there, motionless as the tears rolled down his face. 

And then the door opened. 

Todd immediately sat up, relief flooding over his entire body as he instantly recognized the tall figure standing before him. 

Neil. 

But something was off. His whole body seemed frozen, his shoulders tense, everything about him was panic-stricken, and-

“Are you crying?”

Neil, who had obviously been unaware of the fact that Todd was awake at such an ungodly hour, snapped his head towards Todd, eyes wide. As dark as it was in the room- the dim moonlight that flooded through the window being the only source of light- Todd could tell that Neil was studying his face. 

“Are _you_ crying?”, Neil replied, in an obvious attempt to seem unaffected. But his tone was cautious; he was holding something back. 

Todd wasn’t sure how to break the silence that fell over them. He knew something was wrong with Neil; something had happened, and all he wanted to do was to comfort him, but at the same time, he didn’t want to pry. There had to be a reason that Neil was deliberately holding back, and the last thing Todd wanted to do was overstep his boundaries. 

“Neil?”, he tried. 

“Hm?”

“...What happened tonight?”, he asked cautiously. 

“I-“ Neil paused, thinking. And suddenly, “Todd, everything went wrong tonight”, he said, voice shaking slightly, and loudly enough for Todd to worry that he would wake somebody. 

“Are you... are you alright?” Todd slowly shifted out of bed, swinging his legs so he was sitting at the edge. 

“No”, he replied. He laughed humorlessly. “My father... he- he said-“ Neil began to break down in tears. He sat down next to Todd and buried his head in his hands. He continued, voice strained, “He’s sending me away, Todd. To a military academy. Tomorrow. I don’t know what I’m going to do.” 

Todd’s heart stopped. How was he supposed to live without Neil? 

“I didn’t have a choice. He didn’t _give_ me a choice. I just- felt so hopeless. So you know what I did? I took my father’s gun from his drawer. And I... I was really going to do it.” Neil spoke as if the words physically pained him. Todd watched as a tear slipped down his face and fell to his lap. He turned to face Todd. “But then I-“ his voice broke a bit “I realized I couldn’t because of _you_.”

“Me?” Todd didn’t understand where this was going, why he was the deciding factor. 

“I realized, as much as I wanted to just... end everything right then, there were still things I could be hopeful about. Things I didn’t want to give up. So instead, I just left. I couldn’t stand being in that house, so I came here”

“But why _me_?”

“Why you?” he made a sound that almost resembled a laugh. “Todd, don’t you get it?”

“Neil, I have no idea what you’re talking about”

Silence. Then- 

“Todd, I’m in love with you”

The words were rushed, but said softly, with care and feeling. And Todd had no idea how to react. 

Neil Perry was in love with him. 

Had he even heard right?

Todd watched as Neil’s eyes went wide, almost with panic, in response to Todd’s stunned silence. “I’m... I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-“

“No, Neil, Neil it’s-“

“Maybe I should go-“ 

They spoke over each other, unsure of what to do next. But soon, Neil went quiet, and Todd... Todd _had_ to say something. But all he could manage was:

“Don’t go”

“What?”

“Y-you said you were going to go”

“Well, I thought... you would want me gone”, Neil admitted quietly.

“Why would I want you gone?”

“You know why”

“Yeah, I guess I do”

Todd had no idea how to continue. He got the feeling that Neil was having the same problem. But then those words started replaying in his head, over and over again. 

_I’m in love with you._

Neil Perry was in love with him. 

“Neil, I- I love you too”

“Y-you...“ He trailed off, incredulous. 

“Yeah” Todd laughed. 

Neil looked up slightly, locking eyes with Todd, and Todd saw something in his eyes that he knew he wasn’t just making up anymore. He didn’t have to imagine any of it, because he _knew_ it was real. He didn’t have to imagine the expression of pure admiration that was reflected on his face, or the small smile that played on his lips, or the fact that he was slowly leaning closer towards Todd. 

“Can I kiss you?”, Neil said in a voice much softer than Todd had ever heard. 

Todd’s response was not in words, but rather expressed by closing the gap between them- softly, slowly, capturing Neil’s lips with his own. It didn’t matter that the kiss wasn’t perfect, because he was kissing Neil, and Neil was kissing him back. Neil’s hand moved to gently cup Todd’s cheek, as Todd’s own hands found their way around the other boy’s waist. And it was perfect. 

When they broke apart, Todd was met with Neil’s familiar wide grin, which had now taken on a new meaning. 

“I’ve wanted to do that for a really long time”, Neil confessed.

Todd blushed. “Y-you have?”

“Yeah” 

“Me too.” Todd was grinning now too. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this happy, if there ever was a last time. Which now, after thinking about it, there probably wasn’t. He realized that he had never felt truly loved before. Not before Neil. But now? Now he knew what it was like to love and be loved back. And he never wanted this feeling to end. 

Neil interrupted his thought process with a sudden “What time is it now?”

Todd squinted at his clock. “Uh, about two... eighteen?”

“Oh. Well, we should probably try to go to sleep, or we’ll be dead by the morning”, Neil laughed. 

“You’re probably right. Goodnight then, Neil.” 

“Goodnight, Todd”

Neil got up from his position on Todd’s bed, made the short trip back to his own bed, and sat down, running a hand through his hair. Todd didn’t move. After a few seconds, he spoke again. “Neil, what are you going to do tomorrow?”

“I’ll figure it out”, he replied with feigned confidence. 

“Neil.” Todd tried his hardest to come off as stern. 

“Okay fine, I have no idea”, Neil gave in. 

“I- I’m gonna miss you... I mean, if you’re really gonna go away tomorrow, what if I never see you again? What am I supposed to do without you?”, Todd blurted out, voice panicked. 

“I’ll... miss you too. But we’ll make it through this though, I promise. We’ll be okay, Todd.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. Now get some sleep.”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to”, Todd said honestly. 

Then, much to Todd’s confusion, Neil made his way toward Todd again. 

Todd sat up. “What are you-“

“I don’t think I’ll be able to either.”

Neil sat back down on Todd’s bed, and Todd almost got back up from where he was laying, but instead grabbed Neil by the arm and pulled him down onto the bed with him. His head landed not-so-gracefully on Todd’s shoulder. 

“Ow”, Neil laughed, Todd joining in not long after. Without a second thought, Todd placed a kiss on the side Neil’s face, as if he’d been doing it forever. 

Neil started to readjust his position on Todd’s tiny bed, which was definitely not made for two people to share, but somehow both managed to fit comfortably. They were facing each other, Neil wrapped his arm around Todd, and Todd tucked his head under his chin, and it was almost like a puzzle, the way they fit together so perfectly. 

“Is this... is this alright?”, Neil asked shyly. Todd simply hummed in response. 

After a surprisingly short amount of time, Todd found himself beginning to doze off. He felt Neil press the lightest of kisses to the top of his head, and he smiled to himself, because Neil was here and he was alive, and though the future was unclear, Todd knew that they would be okay. They would make it through whatever was to come at them, together. He was sure of it. So for now, all he could do was pull Neil closer to him. He was in love with Neil Perry, and now... now he knew that Neil Perry loved him too. 

•••

“Todd, are you still awake?”

“No”

“I love you”

“I think you told me that already”, Todd laughed sleepily. 

“Well, maybe you needed to hear it again”

“...How long did you know? That you loved me, I mean”

“I think for... forever”

“That’s a long time”

“Mhm”

“I think I’ll love you for forever”

And that was the thing about forever: it goes on endlessly, boundlessly- in both directions.  
Forever.

**Author's Note:**

> If there are any spelling or grammar mistakes please let me know!!  
> I was too afraid to proofread this properly because I was afraid I wouldn’t like it  
> 


End file.
